PHDA e Relacionamentos (Parte 2): O Efeito nos Parceiros de Adultos com PHDA

So, that was the triple whammy for adults with ADHD, and at the same time their partners are going, they're on the rollercoaster too.

And going through these ups and downs, and the first drop on the rollercoaster is when you realize your partner has some quirks. Maybe you didn't notice it in the beginning because the dopamine was flowing with all those feel-good hormones and that new love and the novelty and the excitement of the chase and all that, but then things settle into a routine.

They start out as sound signals and go in our ears, and then they get translated into electrical chemical messages.

Based on things like dopamine, norepinephrine, and then they travel, you know, through all these circuits in the brain and go to the auditory cortex.

Auditory processing cortex, where they're processed. That's where we give meaning to what we hear.

And so, if we can't comprehend the phrase, no, we can't buy that wide screen TV, it, the, the, it's not going to hear that.

The cortex is not going to hear that. So, um, the next step you might go, well,

I'm just going to try to manage the unmanageable here. I'm very organized, I stay on top of things, so what if my partner is, uh, you know, can't process the mail or forgets to pay the bills?

I can do it, and that's okay, you know, each partner, you know, contributes something to the relationship.

But as time goes on, it can be harder and harder to manage some of the chaos.

It can get a little hard to predict. And then, uh, you can start breaking down into a stress-related illness.

Anxiety, fibromyalgia, hypertension, maybe for the men, uh, depression.

A lot of men married to women with ADD are, are often have depression. Um, insomnia.

And what happens when the first, second or third baby arrives? Especially if that baby has ADHD too.

So what are the some of the poor coping strategies of the partners? Again, denying and minimizing is real popular all the way around.

You kind of don't, you don't know what's going on and you keep trying to make it fit in your existing paradigms of what it might be.

Oh, she's working too hard. Oh, um, he, he hasn't adjusted yet to a new baby.

Oh, he had, he didn't learn how to do all these things in, in childhood.

You know, I used to think, well, my husband didn't learn these things because he was an only child, and, um, maybe you don't have to do as many chores when you're an only child.

And so I tried to model some of these behaviors and chores, and I thought he would pick up.

But like Dr. Barkley said, they, they can watch it and, and but they don't, um, you know, pick up the behaviors and learn from them.

So you can start enabling dysfunctional behaviors. Anything to keep, you know, things smooth.

And, um, you know, you, you get to where it's easier for you to take out the garbage instead of having a fight over, um,

asking your partner to do it one more time. You can start walking on eggshells if your partner with ADHD has that irritability thing.

Happening, and, um, you can become hypervigilant and controlling because you, you want to avoid crises.

You know that crises are much better handled if you can avoid them, not after the fact.

So you're just waiting to see what your partner's going to do, and you're trying to head it off at the pass.

And then you can start blaming your ADHD partner. You're selfish, you're careless, you only care about yourself.

Um, or you blame yourself for, um, not seeing these things earlier.

Or not, um, it's easy to get a little turned around because you might be angry a lot.

Some people with ADD are good at provoking, and it's kind of a subconscious way of getting the adrenaline going and, and self-medicating.

And, um, so you can be provoked. And I've seen normally calm people who've mainly not been angry people before this time in their life, they come real angry, yelling, and sometimes violent people, throwing things.

When I want to break up the tension in the partners' group, I'll say, what have you been provoked to do? To throw?

What have you thrown? And one lady, little shy lady, said, I threw a coffee table. You know, and you just got the sense that she would have never thought that before in her life, but she'd become so stressed.

And, and, um, so provoked. And, um, so, but, you know, if you have ADHD, all you know is your partner's going nuts.

You know, and going off all the time, and so you think your partner has the problem. When really you're both dealing with ADHD and you don't know it's there.

So, that's the triple whammy for the relationship. The unrecognized symptoms plus poor coping strategies on both sides equals negative feedback for both partners.

You know, you're selfish, well, you're a yelling banshee, you know, it can go back and forth.

Partners develop negative ideas about their relationship and about themselves. And finally, those negative mindsets leave to even more poor coping strategies.

Um, one thing we hear about a lot is conflict. There's a lot of arguing. And this looks like, if we had had pistols in our house, this looked like something my husband and I could have engaged in.

Um, he's been, if you can't see it, he's bending over to answer the phone, and while she's still aiming and hitting the lamp instead of him, and he says, as a matter of fact, you did catch us at a bad time.

Um, and some people with ADHD will be very defensive about any criticism.

And this kind of, this kind of cartoon kind of reminded me, biting my head off at the least whiff of criticism. You know, and she's, his head is gone.

Also, um, I feel like I'm raising another child. Uh, this kid is crawling around the sand while his dad makes, um,

plays with the sand in the bucket. Dad, would you please go back to doing the parenting so that I can do some of the childing for a couple of minutes?

Then we talk about denial. Um, he's telling the therapist, look, call it denial if you like, but I think what goes on in my personal life is none of my own damn business.

And I have something, um, I wanted to read one of my favorite books when I was learning about adult ADHD.

Comes from some Canadian experts, and they're not just top Canadian experts, they're top experts on ADHD.

And that's Dr. Margaret Weiss and her mother, Gabrielle Weiss, and, uh, Dr. Hectman, Lily Hectman.

And they wrote this great book called ADHD in Adulthood, a Guide to Current Theory, Diagnosis and Treatment. And here's what they said about denial, and I quoted this in the book.

Individuals with ADHD are unaware of the behaviors that provoke negative reactions in others. They are aware, however, that others hover around them nagging.

The connection between their behavior and this nagging response remains opaque. The white noise of nagging becomes an ever more distant hum, while the patients tune out.

Meanwhile, their families turn up the volume, becoming even more angry and controlling. And that's kind of a common pattern.

And if you go to a couples therapist with that pattern, um, they're going to miss the ADHD and they're just going to see the angry and controlling partner.

And they're going to say, if you just let up on controlling, your partner will step up to the plate.

But you often didn't become controlling just because you wanted to. Although I imagine that happens.

Um, but a lot of people, it, they're, they're forced into that role. Another one, procrastination.

Dr. Barkley was talking about having immediate consequences, right? So here's the Grim Reaper walking in and the guy's at his desktop.

Saying, thank goodness you're here, I can't accomplish anything without a deadline. And also, if you're not that clear that you're causing some of these problems.

And a lot of, you know, the people I'm talking to today, you are clear, that's why you're here, but a lot of people aren't.

And so you can blame your partner for all your problems. And so this guy says, I'm not in one of my moods, I'm in one of your moods.

And this just reminded me of how it used to be for my husband and I, because, um, he would be doing things that,

I know they say, oh, you can't make anyone angry, you're all responsible for your own feelings, but trust me, you can be provoked, you know, to your nth nerve.

And, um, so I'd often feel like we were both expressing, um, it wasn't my independent mood.

I was angry because he was doing stupid things. Um, not stupid things, you know what I mean.

So, what about co-parenting with adult ADHD? Of course, the kids adore the parents.

But it can often be difficult because, um, and, you know, and the partner, the respondent said their ADHD partners, loving, compassionate parents.

Uh, the kids adore them, but there's problems because the partner with ADHD often prefers to be the fun parent and low on discipline.

And so that sets up a problem because then the partner without ADHD is seen as the heavy, you know, the enforcer.

But what happens, some adults with ADHD learn they're not so good at meeting out discipline. They'll either be too soft or too hard.

They'll overdo it and underdo it. Again, it's that regulation. So they've learned to kind of avoid it.

So they'll just fun is a little easier to do, but it creates a problem in the relationship.

And then sometimes, um, the partner with ADHD does lose the temper a lot with the child.

And, um, has sometimes slaps or hits or there's verbal abuse. And sometimes what you hear a lot is the same thing that adults with ADHD got in their childhood.

Uh, instead of understanding their kid with ADHD, they'll say the same things that were said to them.

You're selfish, you're lazy, you do only what you want to do, you do things when you want to do them.

Um, because I guess they think it's helpful, even though it didn't really help them, but I guess they don't know what else to do, because we don't, they don't know ADHD.

And, um, things start happening. You realize you had a conversation, and your ADHD partner doesn't seem to remember it.

Or doesn't remember it the same way. Like maybe you said, okay, we're not going to buy that big, um, uh, flat screen TV.

And what my husband might have heard was, okay, go buy that flat screen TV. He, the way his wiring was, it would, he would kind of hear what he wanted to hear.

It was pretty amazing. And I believed him. He really would hear that, because, you know, brain signals, I mean, uh, sound signals, words,